So, you’re out in nature, feeling like a majestic woodland goddess, when BAM — Mother Nature calls. Loudly. And guess what? There’s no porcelain throne in sight. But don’t panic. You’re about to become a certified Squat Queen.
Step 1: Find Your “Bathroom“
Look for:
- A flat area (because we’re not skiing while squatting)
- Privacy (unless you’re into that whole “exhibitionist with squirrels” vibe)
- No poison ivy, unless you want spicy cheeks
Pro tip: If you can see the trail, someone else can see you. Go deeper. Into the woods, I mean.
Step 2:
Assume the Position
This is not yoga. This is tactical urination.
- Feet shoulder-width apart
- Pants/shorts/romper of doom pulled ALL the way down. Trust me, pee travels.
- Squat like you’re hovering over a toilet at a sketchy gas station, but balance like your pride depends on it (because it does)
Optional: Hold onto a tree for dear life. Bonus points if you whisper “You’re doing amazing, sweetie” to yourself while peeing.
Step 3:
The Great Pee Escape
Relax. Breathe. Let it flow. You’re basically a nature fountain now.
Important: Aim downhill. Unless you enjoy the feeling of pee washing over your ankles like some kind of cursed foot spa.
Step 4:
The Clean-Up Act
- Pack toilet paper, wipes, or better yet — a pee rag (yes, it’s a thing. No, it doesn’t smell. Yes, you’ll feel like an eco-warrior goddess.)
- Do NOT leave anything behind. You’re here to make memories, not messes.
- Pack it out, zip it up, and strut away like the woodland diva you are.
Final Thoughts From the Forest Throne:
- You will look awkward. Embrace it.
- You might laugh so hard you almost pee before squatting. That’s okay.
- If you fall over mid-pee? Congratulations, you’ve been baptized by nature.